Anyway this post is a reply to a customer of mine who had made his sexual intentions with me very clear. However after my recent heartbreaks I have decided to stay abstinant, in an effort to figure out who and what I really want and that it does make sex so much better for when I do have it again. So this is my (slightly edited for identity privacy) reply to me constantly turning him down without me completely outing myself as a lesbian. As a stripper I still do have to retain at least a bi-sexual identity to keep the money rolling in.
"Sorry if you thought I was a jerk or if you thought I was being cold. But rho my scars aren't visible but they sure are deep. But sugar-coating isn't in my nature. And it would be more unfair and cruel of me to string you along and take advantage of your kindness and then tell you I don't have romantic feelings for you. I wish you could see from my point of view how I'm treated by the guys and me being predisposed to women I have to giggle and be physically flirtarious when guys treat me like a piece of meat and they are allegedly God's gift to women. It doesnt make me feel good about myself having to "act" like these shovenist, cocky, self-righteous pricks and their small dicks are the greatest things in the world. And though your intentions are good, when you pressure me I feel objectified and it just reinforces that horrible shovenist, mysogynist, and selfish stereotype put on a large demographic of clientele. I deserve better than that. That quality of many men that justifies their objectifying, selfish, one-track mind may be one of a few different reasons that has kept me from ever falling in love with a man. Even the women that I gave my heart to like Faye and Daisy who toyed with my emotions had thier redeeming and compassionate momentst.
Sex in a relationship is important. However, two lovers with only sexual attraction and/or energy as the foundation of thier relationship will never last. That's where people get love and lust confused. At this point in my life I know what kind of lover I want and I'm willing to wait for the real thing now. I've had too many meaningless fuck buddies, one-night stands and bi-sexual threeways that mostly benefited the primary couple. It wasn't fulfilling anymore. When I fall in love I fall fast and hard, and I treat my women like royalty. (I usually fulfill the more butch role of the two) Like when I met Faye. Within the first 5 minutes I spent talking to her while sitting on her lap I just knew she and I were going to end up together for some period of time. I thought she could tame the beast in me and she already had a son so I thought I could really "settle down" and have the family and stability I dreamed about. However, I didn't believe even her best friends when they told me what a flakey, sex-obsessed, cheating slut she was (bc I was blinded by my love for her). Her scar on my heart was particarly painful because she was so "hot & cold". She confided in me that even though she had been with 6 other women sexually, that I was the first one she actually loved and would say "I Love You" to me. That was a huge deal. When she wanted to be passionate with me she was very attentive and loving. When she felt like giving me attention she gave me alot (especially when she's trashed) I tried to break up with her once when she pulled a move Daisy did all the time. If any of the girls would ask her about our relationship she would always deny we were together. Then say hurtful things like "I wouldnt touch her with a 10 ft pole" but once we got home the girl would practically rape me. I told Faye what I had heard and told her she better get her shit out of my locker. Brad, the manager, was one of the only management who knew and understood. He made me change out and take a break to talk about our relationship. We both cried and she did a great job making me take her back, when later at work all she did was bitch to other employees about how we weren't together and fed me lies about that the owners and management said that they'd fire her if she didn't break up with me when Kristina told me the real story that she was going to get fired because of her frequent freakouts and outburtsts over grabby customers when she was a waitress. The only reason the owners agreed not to fire her was BECAUSE she was my girlfriend.
And like I said earlier none of this insecurity I have is directly because of you. I'm damaged goods because I fully and truly tried to make things work with her. I thought she was the one when I was nothing more than a stupid, easily manipulated love fool to her. Then how Daisy and Ray easily found a replacement for my place in their hearts, and used minimal discretion in caring about my feelings or how I'd react and still expected me to be happy for them when my heart had been shattered. I changed who I was for Daisy.
My ex-girlfriend, Alexis and all my friends from downtown didn't believe I was a stripper. Now I'm damaged because I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. I can't let myself become so easily submissive and vulnerable. Some women take advantage of that vulnerability because you'll appear weak, which men have the same tactic. They see a damaged woman and they'll take advantage of her in order to make her feel dependant on tbe guy.
There was a time where I was the one who kinda felt empowered by having the title of "lady-killer". Back when I was considedered a butch or stud the more one-night stands you had notched on your bedpost, the more girls you had pining over you and the broken hearts you collected, meant the more of a hot commodity you were. I lead guys (and girls) on at work because that's the character I have to portray and honestly we aren't dragging guys in there kicking and screaming. They know what the game is and they know they play at their own risk. Just unfortunately, healthy, trusting, balanced relationships are next to impossible for those of us in the adult entertainment industry because there is a bad stigma placed on men and women in similar professions as me. We are seen as emotionless, greedy and jaded with little capacity to truly love someone. And if people do think otherwise well then they are even more of a fool. And most of the time if we continue to work at the club while having a significant other they seldom go the long haul due to the partner always doubting the boundaries that the dancer makes with a client and develop an income-debilitating jealousy problem. Thats one reason it was slightly easier for me to have my casual and/or serious relationships with women that worked at Ten's because they knew when I was acting and who I'd be coming home to every night. Working at Ten's improved my game so much that my reputation for sleeping with the dancers was just as bad if not worse than Josh (the tall german-looking bouncer)However fun that lifestyle was, it's no longer enough. I've tasted the forbidden fruit of making real love, and no hot steamy one-night stand can ever measure up to the intensity and passion of making love to one that truly has your heart. When Faye and I made real love for the first time every touch of hers gave me goosebumps, every break for air from making out left me needing her lips back on mine. I almost broke into tears while we made love. Those are feelings a man can't give me. That's what I mean when it's like comparing apples to oranges. I truly hope I can feel that again. I never felt how i did when I sleep with a man but he cant set my whole body on fire like a woman's touch. Sorry for the lengthy text but I always am able to convey my feelings better when I write my thoughts and feelings down. One of your suggestions was journaling. So this is what u get for pressing the hard questions about my chosen period of abstinance. You may not like or agree with what I had to say but that's what I've gone through and what I've seen after working in the Adult Entertainment Industry. Usually the girl you see onstage is completely different off the stage. Like me for example. Girls with my predisposition are extremely rare in a club that is dominated by heterosexuals. Many of our girls claim to be bi-sexual but are mainly predisposed to men and the others aren't really into women at all. We get bored however, when it's kind of dead so we entertain ourselves. Maybe if the two customers in the club see two girls dry-humping they may fork over some cash and extract themselves from the barstool they've been occupying for the past three hours. They just pretend. (Though we are the most "girl-friendly" when it comes to clientele at Ten's.) I've noticed many dancers at other clubs do not know how to interact with females let alone give them a lap dance. It's like they don't know what to do if they don't have a boner poking them to tell them if theyre doing a good job or not."
